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| HEADLINE NEWS |
Obama
lays out Afghanistan disengagement process
Afghan government ordered out of U.S. Embassy basement by 2013
WASHINGTON - In a speech to the nation, President Obama outlined the process of ending the U.S. decade long involvement in Afghanistan. A timetable of phased troop reductions along with deadlines for Afghan government independence will transform the role of the United States from sugar-daddy to helpful neighbor down the street and across the ocean.
According to the President, the Afghan government must have all of its things moved out of the U.S. Embassy basement by the end of 2013. "There are plenty of nice places for rent. In fact, a great house recently became vacant in nearby Pakistan after Navy Seals evicted the previous tenants," said Obama. The President explained in his speech how his goal is to make the Afghan government self-reliant. "Right now, all they do is crash in the Embassy basement, watching movies and playing video games. The place is a mess with beer cans and empty pizza boxes. And we know President Karzai is smoking hash with his buddies. He doesn't even try to hide his bong," complained Obama. "It's time for them to grow-up and get their own place."
In conjunction with the phased U.S. troop reduction, an intensified training program for the Afghan military will be implemented. Joint Chiefs of Staff Head Admiral Mike Mullen said the previous training program focused on teaching Afghan soldiers how to cook, do laundry and clean up after U.S. soldiers. "It was a decade long challenge, but finally we graduated thousands of Afghan soldiers who can grill a hamburger and do the wash without mixing the colored and the whites. Some have even made wonderful chauffeurs. Now we will begin teaching them how to shoot a gun and duck when shot at."
Afghan President Karzai was not happy with Obama's plan. "It's not fair," whined Karzai as he chewed on a two day old slice of pepperoni pizza. "It's really hard being on your own out in the world right now. We're just trying to get our shit together and now we face eviction. Not cool, President Obummer. Not cool at all."
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In response to President Karzai's critique of the Obama
plan, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters, "President Obama
understands the fear of the Afghan government about becoming self-reliant. But we will
wean them into independence. For instance, beginning next month they will have to take out
the trash before getting their allowance check." A spokesman for the Taliban insurgents stood outside the U.S. Embassy gates and taunted Karzai and his government. "Ha, ha. You can't hide behind your mother's apron much longer. And when you come out, we're going to pound you." A Marine embassy guard shot and killed the Taliban spokesman, saying, "He reminded of the bully Nelson from the Simpsons. I always wanted to take that kid down."
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