Tobacco Industry Offers Alternatives to FDA Cigarette Warnings

Washington - Responding to nine new cigarette warning labels mandated by the FDA to appear on packages by September 2012, lobbyists for the tobacco industry marched up the steps of Capitol Hill, stopping only a few times in coughing fits, to present elected Representatives with their own suggested labels. According to industry spokesperson Nick O. Teen, the FDA warning labels have the potential of reducing profits for tobacco companies, which would lower stock prices and hurt Wall Street, thus damaging the economy and supporting Islamic fundamentalist terrorists. "It's downright unAmerican," hacked Teen.

The proposed FDA warnings feature graphic photos of either dead or dying cancer victims intended to discourage people from smoking. According to the FDA, death and sickness from smoking costs the U.S. economy $200 billion a year.

Nick O. Teen scoffs at the FDA figures. "Old age costs the economy a hell of a lot more in Social Security and Medicare. You don't see them mandating warnings against getting old." He provided congressional staffers and the media with a study from the Winston Tastes Good Like a Cigarette Should Center for Medical Research Related to Our Profits. According to the Winston study, growing old is a far greater health risk and more people die each year from age related causes than smoking.

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius said in an FDA statement responding to the Winston Tastes Good study that until the government comes up with effective legislation against aging, it makes sense to "tax the hell" out of the tobacco industry.

Tea Party activists came out in support of the tobacco industry. A spokesperson for the Tea and Crumpets Patriots, Arnie Benedict, said they support both smoking and aging. "The sooner people die, the less cost there is for Social Security and Medicare. This is the key to lower taxes, so everyone light up!"

Warning labels suggested by the tobacco industry include:

- Careful around gasoline.

- Smoke open packs within 24 hours to ensure freshness.

- Wash hands after smoking to prevent yellowing of fingers.

- Inhaling deeply required for full effect of nicotine and chemical additives.

- Not smoking may exclude you from the "coolest" peer groups.

- Second hand smoke may cause sneezing.

An FDA label rejected by the tobacco industry and their suggested alternatives

"These are far more useful warnings than the FDA ones," says Nick O. Teen. "I mean, cancer can take years to kill you, but you can blow up a gas pump in seconds."

Congress will decide on the warning label controversy as soon as campaign donation checks clear the bank.