WASHINGTON - Despite the sharp partisan divide in Congress over cutting the budget deficit, President Obama told reporters he is confident a deal will be reached and that he has already hired a contractor to raise the nation's debt ceiling. "This is something that must be done to avoid economic chaos," said the President. "Therefore I will not wait while Congress bickers. I have hired a qualified contractor to begin the job."

According to the White House, Bob Debuilder will start work sometime in early July to raise the debt ceiling by approximately six inches. White House spokesperson Jay Carney said Debuilder had great reviews on Emily's List. Several former clients noted that he always made sure the pants of his crew were pulled up. "The First Lady has no desire to see the butt cracks of overweight construction workers," said Carney. "She is barely able to tolerate the faces of Fox News reporters."

In his remarks to the press, Obama noted that when he took office, the debt ceiling was much too low. "I'm six feet one and a half inches tall. George W. was only five feet eleven. I spent the first two months in office banging my head on the ceiling." (It should be noted that former President George Bush, Sr. was six feet two inches, but he walked hunched over after eight years of servitude to Ronald Reagan.) Obama continued, "Six inches doesn't sound like much, but America will feel much roomier when the job is completed.

Bob Debuilder says he plans to start on the East Coast, jump to the West Coast, and then finish off the job in middle America. "We will be careful to cause as little economic upheaval as possible," the contractor said as he pounded nails into the podium. He explained, "These podiums really aren't built to handle the large loads of political crap that comes out of Washington." Debuilder continued, "We do ask that the American people help by staying out of the construction zones, or if they must go through one, be sure to wear a hard hat."