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World shocked that Jackass star Ryan Dunn was drunk when he crashed his car

WEST CHESTER, PENNSYLVANIA - Citizens of the world were shocked and dismayed to learn that Ryan Dunn, a star of the wildly popular and culturally important Jackass series of television shows and movies, was actually shit-faced drunk when he died in a fiery 140 MPH crash of his Porsche. According to police, Dunn's Porsche jumped a guardrail and crashed into a ravine before bursting into flames. Authorities speculate that Dunn may have confused his Porsche with a skateboard and attempted a typical Jackass stunt.

Jackass, which features grown men performing dangerous stunts and pranks thought up by 8th grade gym class students around the country, was the number one show among 8th grade gym class students, according to Nielson ratings. Jackass creator and star, Johnny Knoxville, said he was shocked to hear of Dunn's death. "I thought he died during that stunt where we shoved an M-80 up his ass and lit it. This really caught me off guard." The grieving, crying Knoxville continued after blowing his nose on a reporter's shirt, farting, and urinating on the leg of a camera man, "At least he died the way he lived, drunk and on fire."

Representatives of the Nobel Prize Committee said the death of Dunn removes him from contention for next year's Nobel Peace Prize. "He was the front runner," said Lars Dynooomite Olafson, spokesperson for the committee. "Actually, it's not a banner year for Peace Prize nominees. Muammar Gaddafi was a shoo-in until he hit a bump in the road trying to massacre his civilians."

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Nobel Peace Prize frontrunner Ryan Dunn

A statement from the Vatican said Pope Benedict was deeply moved by the death of Dunn. The Holy Father's favorite remembrance of dear brother Dunn was when Ryan went into a public restroom and pulled his pants all the way down to pee in a urinal. "That's just the way we do it at the Vatican." said the Papal spokesman as he winked inappropriately at the youngest male reporter in the crowd.

White House spokesperson Jay Carney said President Obama was sadden by the news. "Jackass was top of the list of the shows Sasha and Malia are not allowed to watch. We are exploring replacement candidates for the show. At this point, Rush Limbaugh looks like the most qualified jackass."

Shortly following news of his death, rumors circulated on the Internet and Twitter that Dunn's death was faked and really a publicity stunt. Dunn's manager/publicist Andy Kaufman quickly squelched the rumor, saying, "Faking a death. Unheard of."



Copyright 2011 Paul Peterson - All rights reserved