CNN announces formation of "News Creation Bureau"

ATLANTA  - Cable news network CNN (Cable News Network) has formed a "News Creation Bureau" to coordinate its reporting on rumors, innuendo, misunderstood radio communications, fake leaked documents, the Drudge Report, and other inaccurate sources of information. The announcement comes as a response to the uproar caused by CNN misreporting a Coast Guard training drill on the Potomac River as a possible terrorist attack.

According to Mary Richards, newly appointed head of the News Creation Bureau, "While we were able to generate fear and confusion with the Coast Guard incident for a little while, given that it was the anniversary of 9-11, the fake news story should have stirred up even more trouble." Ms. Richards continued, "I am honored that Mr. Grant has entrusted me with the job. The News Creation Bureau will coordinate misinformation from all our bureaus, international politics to entertainment to sock drawers."

Displaying the spunkiness that got her the job, Richards said with a quavering voice, "It's vital that we get Ted Baxter, Lou Dobbs, Nancy Grace, Sue Ann Nivens, and Chuckles the Clown working together. Ted and Lou are already like the Bobsy Twins, but Sue Ann thinks Lou Dobbs is an idiot. I keep trying to get her to thank him for being a friend."

When questioned about the need for creating news stories, Ms. Richards pointed out that while it seems there is an abundance of stories about blonde headed girls being kidnapped, in reality it is just a few stories that are "milked dry," borrowing language from her days as a milk maid on her parents' farm. "Our anchors are champing at the bit, giggle . . . sorry, another farm reference, to report Breaking News or a Developing Story. Sometimes this leads to embarrassing mistakes, like when Ted Baxter said On Air, "I've just been handed a bulletin . . . You have something on your front tooth."

Competition for ratings in the cable news industry has forced the once dominant CNN to move away from actual news reporting toward the FOX News model of "fluff and crap." In an interview with CNN Vice President Lou Grant at the local neighborhood bar, the crusty and usually drunk veteran of news broadcasting said, "Let's face it, there aren't anymore Edward R. Murrows, despite Keith Olbermann's little fantasy. When the best we have to offer is Ted Baxter, Lou Dobbs and Larry King, there is no choice but to create sensational fake news stories."

Other long-time CNN employees don't see the ratings problem being related to a lack of real news, but instead, the result of changing technology. Sitting behind his computer, which makes typewriter clacking noises just for fun, head copy writer Murray Slaughter observed, "With Twitter, Facebook, Youtube and blogs, people don't even turn on the television anymore. The writing is on the wall, 'We're Finished.' It's on the wall of the third stall on the right in the men's room. Ignore the guy in the next stall tapping his foot."

But life isn't all doom and gloom for CNN's head writer of doom and gloom. "I've got a gig as Captain of a cruise ship," shared Slaughter. "I'm looking forward to saying, Hey baby, wanna sit on my Captain's table and let me show you my Jolly Roger?"