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| HEADLINE NEWS |
Political Satirists Union to begin rationing of Bachmann jokes
NEW YORK - Citing the high demand for jokes about recently announced Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann, the Political Satirists Union (PSU - not to be confused with Penn State University, where humor is banned from campus) announced that it will ration humor pertaining to the zombie-eye Congresswomen from Minnesota (Editor's note: The use of "zombie-eyed" required two ration coupons). PSU spokesperson Arty Rogers-Twain told reporters, "Prior to Bachmann's formal announcement we were barely keeping up with demand, but now that she's an official candidate, the product is flying off the shelves. We've even modified a few Palin jokes to fill the need, but we really need to save those until we know for sure what Mama Grizzly is doing."
The rationing program will provide satirists with four coupons a week. Hoarding and scalping of the coupons is not allowed. Word play and puns are not part of the program and PSU members are encouraged to be creative for a change.
Late night comics and fake news pundits were outraged at the rationing program. "What the fuck!" shouted Bill Mahr. "I pay my dues. I'm entitled to as much fuck fuck fucking material as I need."
Daily Show host Jon Stewart threatened to borrow some jokes from "my anti-union scab friend Steven Colbert."
Jay Leno told reporters that he has about a ten day supply on hand, but after that, "there may be some silent pauses in my monologue. I'm not sure if anyone will notice."
Defending the action of the PSU, Rogers-Twain said he understands the anger of the union members. "My great-grandfather Will Rogers was pissed when there was a quota set on Calvin Coolidge jokes. And my great-great-grandfather Mark Twain left the union for a while over restrictions about making fun of President Grant's alcoholism. But in the end, they both understood the need to submit to the greater good."
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"Fuck the greater good," was the response of
Late Show host David Letterman. "My ratings have been slipping and I'm counting on
that whacko from Minnesota to save my job." Letterman was quick to follow through on
the threat. During his monologue that evening he led off with three straight Bachmann
jokes. However, he was unable to finish the third joke as two union enforcers pushed past
Paul Schaffer, knocking him into the horn section who were busy smoking a joint, and
proceeded to the stage where they knee-capped the venerable, now vulnerable, late night
host with baseball bats. A dazed, yet defiant Letterman cried out from the floor, "I regret nothing. Fuck the PSU." In response, one of the union enforcers kicked the comic in the groin. Letterman then whimpered, "I do regret that last statement," which brought the audience to its feet with a standing ovation amidst howls of laughter. The union enforcers bowed and left the stage, ignoring shouts of "encore." |
