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Supreme Court throws out Wal-Mart sex discrimination suit while three female Justices are busy making coffee and cleaning the chambers
WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court dismissed a major class-action lawsuit against Wal-Mart Stores Inc. that contended the retail giant had systematically discriminated against 1.5 million of its female workers. Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia stated, "It is ludicrous to think a highly profitable retail giant like Wal-Mart would not pay all of its employees fairly. Obviously the women involved in the suit were less skilled or had husbands bringing home the bacon. Mmmm. . . bacon."
Justice Clarence Thomas commented that he is tired of hearing complaints from women about equal pay and inappropriate discussions of porn movies. "Case in point," said Thomas, "right here on the Supreme Court we can't find a female Justice who makes a decent cup of coffee. All they do is bitch about pubic hairs laying around on pop cans."
Chief Justice John Roberts told reporters that it wouldn't make sense to punish Wal-Mart for paying female employees less while having basically the same policy on the Supreme Court. "Kagan, Ginsberg, and Sotomayor make $50,000 less a year than the rest of us, as should be the case given the crappy job they do cleaning the chambers. We're tempted to hire real chamber maids. You know, the kind that former IMF guy Strauss-Kahn liked to chase down the hall."
When asked by reporters about the $50,000 pay difference between male and female Supreme Court Justices, Justice Elena Kagan screamed, "What the fuck! You've got to be kidding me! I didn't know that." The enraged Justice then went to the Supreme Court gift shop, grabbed the largest stature of Lady Justice she could carry, and marched up the steps. Nearby reporters heard her muttering, "This Sister ain't blind no more. Her sword's going right up Thomas' legal briefs."
The White House, following reports of screaming and blood splattered on the windows of Supreme Court offices, announced that several vacancies had opened up on the nation's highest court. White House spokesperson Jay Carney told the media, "We will be searching for the best qualified candidates, regardless of race, religion or gender, as long as they are female."
Elena Kagan shows reporters the sword of justice
intended for Justice Thomas' legal briefs.